The Safe

Entering and breaking

Wednesday 30 August 2023

Two years ago, I made an amazing discovery.

My girlfriend Lila, and I, were a week into home ownership. Our first home together. We were still unpacking and deciding where to store everything.

It was a Saturday morning. A friend was dropping round to give us his old drill. Just as he arrived, I crawled into the cupboard under the stairs to start packing away our camping and festival gear. Summer things that wouldn’t be used for another ten months.

I spotted a black cube to my left.

A surprise feature that wasn’t in the listing.

A mystery.

A locked safe.

By my own admission, I’m terminally online. I remember the locked safe thread on Reddit. Finding a locked safe is a dream come true.

So we now own a locked safe. Next thing is to break into it.

Attempted break in #1

I was sure to capitalise on this discovery by sharing it online. Straight away I posted it on Reddit and Twitter. The comments had the same thoughts that I had - what was in it?

I tried to move it out from under the stairs, but it wouldn’t budge. A couple of minutes with a crowbar moved it enough to shine a torch behind it and see that it was bolted to the wall from the inside. Now we know it’s both locked and not moving from that spot.

The immovable secure storage under our stairs wasn’t a huge priority, so it sat there, silently taunting me. What secrets did it hold?

I had to know.

Attempted break in #2

Months go by.

Friends ask me “How’s the house going?” only to cut off my answer with the real question - “What about the safe?”

As part of some DIY we got the front door lock changed. I asked the locksmith can he crack safes. No, but he know’s someone who can.

WhatsApp messages go back and forward. Photos and explanations.

Then, silence.

He stopped replying.

The mystery lived on.

Breaking in

So now it’s August 2023. A Bank Holiday weekend. We’re starting renovations on the downstairs. My mate Chris is our plumber and working on moving our boiler. I mention The Safe. It’s next to our gas main, so he had a look.

“We’ll have that out today”


The day has come.

Thanks to my prior crowbar attempt, he was able to get behind it and lever it out. It pulled away from the wall leaving behind one of the bolts, and several dents from crowbars.

Chris took a hammer and crowbar to the back of it.

It didn’t last long.

We were in.

The Safe itself Getting it open Breaking the concrete lining Finally in

Finally cracking the safe.

Inside we found absolutely nothing.

Sometimes, the mystery is more fun than solving it.